Spanking

I am going out on a limb here and bucking all the groups I support and am a part of. I think spanking gets bad press when it is not about spanking, but how and why you spank. An early childhood agency on Facebook posted an article about spanking causing aggression. There was no criteria for different ways people approach spanking, just consideration given to research where a history of abuse and drugs had been present.

Here is how I believe spanking should be done:

1. Never spontaneously or in anger!!!!!!!!! The "time out" or "bad chair" as my daughter called it, has a purpose of allowing everyone to cool down and think about the best way to handle an offense. Most mothers would admit that it occasionally is for the child's protection to be removed from the overly frustrated parent at that point in time. "Time out", removal of privileges or favorite toys (know what is valued by your child to be effective), or rewards (individual time with parent is more valuable than "stuff") for behavior being improved, is often enough--which segues to number 2

2. Spanking is a last resort and never a surprise. If the child has repeated the same negative behaviors and other methods are not working--then he is notified ahead of time that the next time will result in a spanking. Say what you mean and mean what you say! Do not threaten spanking unless you are calm when making the decision that it is to that point and you will follow through if it happens again.

3. If spanking is going to be effective--it must cause reasonable discomfort to the child. Some suggest using a paddle or an extension so the child does not associate your hand with this discomfort. I disagree--when done correctly (described next), this is an act of love and you can better control the discomfort being applied when you are feeling it too.

4. Discussion about why, spanking, love and re-explanation of why this had to happen. These steps are important. the child needs to understand that since he was told this would happen, he chose to be spanked. Ask questions appropriate to their understanding to make sure they understand what they are being spanked for. Administer the spanking and then HUG (YES I SAID HUG) and talk again. I added that my job is to help them learn how to act and that God gives me that job. I am responsible to God, and this is hard for me, but I do this because I love them.

5. When done effectively, it is rarely needed because they know you will. A minister once suggested that spanking should not be done before the age of 1 and probably would rarely be necessary when the process was well understood and probably almost never necessary past first grade.

6. Choose your battles. As children get older, you need to constantly re-evaluate changes that need to be made in their rules. Young children gradually get to a point where you do not have to say no about so many things that formerly would have been a danger to them or the objects. (To lessen the constant need for "no", put some things higher or away for a while) As they get older, you need to gradually give them chances to learn from choices and become more responsible. Trial and error and learning from natural consequences can be some of the best teachers. Is fighting constantly over a clean room good for any relatiuonship? Can the door just be closed so your differing standards can not stress your relationship? A clean room is not worth straining a relationship that will later have much more important issues ot deal with. Constant conflict over little unimportant things deafens the child to your concerns about something serious later.


Young children have less ability to reason but need to learn acceptable behavior. Different personalities require different types, level, and amounts of discipline or guidance. Get to know your child's interests and abilities and respect those. Spend time playing with them and showing them you love them. Prepare them for situations by explaining expectations. Be comfortable with decisions you have made about how to guide them, but also be comfortable with times you feel insecure and need to re-evaluate what is appropriate for them now. As they get older, respect their opinions, listen to their side of situations, and make careful decisions that lessen the need for arguments. Once a decision is carefully made, it should not be an arguable point.

The same minister mentioned above also reminded us that as children learn to be obedient in a family, they will understand being obedient to God. God gives loving, but firm discipline and so should we.

Happy birthday Maggie

This was the beginning of a beautiful friendship when we got this black lab puppy 2 years ago. Now she is 85 pounds and truly devoted to this guy.

36 years and he is still the one

Epiphany

I am actually listening to Christmas carols again/still. Now that the hustle bustle is over, I realize I did get caught up in the commercial and busyness and lost what my focus should be. I am finishing my Advent/Epiphany (12 days) devotional. I'm seeing the value in Epiphany--reflecting on what everything is really about and appreciating it after the hoopla dies down. It feels right. We should have put everything away except the manger scene.

Cow update

Monday morning I found 2 calves standing in my front landscaped garden on the Christmas light sidewalk edging eating my Japanese Maple and/or the lights on it. I decided I needed to call the neighbors/owners. The answer machine was on so I left a kind (almost apologetic) message letting them know about several things I thought they might not be, but would like to be aware of about the cows and their adventures. I did get a very apologetic call back from the Mr. He says he has never had this much trouble and he plans to go ahead and ween the calves, which will put them in a inner pin where they cannot escape. He also warned us that mom would be mooing loudly and non-stop for them night and day (pain or missing them?). Thank heavens we sleep with a loud fan. As I was in the other part of the house in the middle of the night last night, I realized her mooing would be hard to ignore and sleep through. I hope their owners also sleep with a loud fan.

STAMPEDE

Well, the cows are losing their charm. I'm preparing to change my vote from phone # on their sides to electric fence. I walked into my office yesterday and caught the vision of the mother cow out of the corner of my eye. She was 2-3 feet from the guest bedroom window--right next to the front door and porch. I used to joke about the song "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" because of deer running around out here, but a 5 hundred + pound cow is even less appealing. I have seen them all romp and play, so I know they can run.....and I don't want to be in their way when they do. I had visions of myself having walked out the front door, being startle with a scream, and her running me down as she headed in the direction of her home.


I decided we needed to start discouraging them, so I opened the window, clapped my hands, and said go home--in a loud scary voice. You know from previous posts that the ducks and squirrels are not very afraid of me when I try to discourage them from the bird feeders. Apparently, she was not very intimidated either and just sort of looked at me. I wasn't sure if I should be scared of her. I said to Stan last week when the little male just stood his ground and stared, "cows aren't aggressive, are they?". He said, "Have you seen a bull fight?" Anyway, she did finally meander down toward the lake, collected her 4 calves, and headed to the opening in the woods where they generally go home. I opened my back window, clapped, and said "go home" again to encourage their movement. They stopped, there was apparently a time delay,and all of the sudden they started stampeding in the opposite direction across the damn, and over the hill. There are woods on both sides of the other lake over there behind ours and two large houses.

I could not tell where they went until I saw in the distance 3 of the four of them still in stampede mode running in front of one of those house--probably close to the road in the direction of their house. There are children and dogs over there and I could here what may have been several neighbors and the owners yelling. Hopefully no one was injured.

The next thing I could hear was the most pitiful and loud bauling from one of the calves who had apparently gone right when everyone else finally got their bearings and went left. I was afraid he/she may have gotten hit by a car , it was so loud and pitiful. Then mom and siblings started mooing loudly back to give some direction I suppose. A few minutes later, I saw this last lost calf go running through the same yards and the children yelling again. Again, I hope no one was hurt.

Although for a city girl, seeing cows this close was fun at first, I'm not so much for being part of this free range cattle ranch anymore and am changing my vote. In the meantime, anyone have any cow repellent ideas?

They're back !

They have actually been over several times this week, but I had a chance to take more pictures today. When we herd them toward home, Maggie is getting pretty good at keeping them on the path in the right direction. We headed them toward home twice today,and the neighbors did once. Perhaps the phone number on their side is not a bad idea since they are starting to wander farther. They do have the pull of mom when they get hungry to keep them from going to far for too long.